'In an ever changing world of gender, who knows what I'm going to end up being. But in the end, I want to morph into something I'm comfortable with.

Saturday, December 06, 2003  

i beg for forgiveness, for i have sinned.
jealousy, the root of all evil.
night has become day and day has become night.
sunlight - that i have become allergic to.
it burns my eyes, makes me weak.
curtains, especially thick black ones. i need them.
to block off all light. to become nocturnal.
i live on a daily supply of drugs. cigarettes and alcohol.
food has become non existent in my dictionary.
so has happiness, love, care and concern.
they have been replaced with the opposites.
my head is standing beneath my puke
thoughts go through my head at a thousand miles per second.
i can no longer think straight.
pressure cooker pick my brain and tell me I'm insane.
what i do is not what i want.
what i want is not what i do.
i have become black, invisible.
retail therapy, thats a thing of the past.
no amount of money can ever buy what i want.
i have morphed into someone i no longer understand.
i have hallucinations.
i have started to talk to nobody.
make me john nash.
let me undergo insulin-coma therapy,
erase my memory.
i live in a world of fantasies.
you have become a fantasy.
you're in my mind, every second, every split second.
prozac, thats what i need.
but you, my prozac. where are you?

draw the curtains for it is day and i will sleep.

the drugs don't work.

muttered @ 3:49 PM.

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