'In an ever changing world of gender, who knows what I'm going to end up being. But in the end, I want to morph into something I'm comfortable with.

Friday, January 16, 2004  

i'm in one of those 'i am edgy' moods.

sometimes i ask myself why i bother so much. what's the fucking point. i don't play a role in your life. why do i bother asking if you're alright. why do i bother giving you morning calls. why do i bother messaging you all the time, asking you to take care, sleep early, and all the blah shit. sometimes i feel like i'm an irritating fuck. irritating the shit out of you. sometimes, i contemplate if i should contact you at all. if i do it too often, i'm an irritant. so tell me, should i or should i not? i think about your promises, but i can't help but wonder if you really mean them. so i wait, but what if you're really going over? i have no idea what i want, and i have no idea what you want. you've fucked me upset down. i'm lost. i'm torn between two. a part of me wants to stay. and the other's telling me to find better pastures. i've been running away from this problem ever since, but i know i can't do it forever. and today i woke up with this heavy feeling in my heart. i've had enough of putting on this brave front, pretending i'm ok. pretending i'm having the best time in my life. i'm not. absolutely not. i've been holding back the tears, i can't hold them much longer. i'm not happy. not even. i don't know how u'll react when u see this. i don't know. i'm sorry for the sudden outburst. i can't take it any more.

so i ask myself why i bother,
because you mean a lot to me.
it hurts to see u with someone else.
but if it makes you happy.
so be it

oh wells, on another note.
i'm meeting her tonight.
eeps.

the l o v e made me blind.

muttered @ 11:27 PM.

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